To Mourn the Death Of Hiddleswift I Did My Own Version of 73 Questions with Vogue! Just as Spontaneous, Not Nearly as Basic

I tried to be basic. It didn't fit.

What's keeping you busy these days? 

-Work.

What's the most exciting thing in life right now? 

-The Emmy's 

What are you bored of?

-Snapchat

What is something that recently moved you?

-a moving vehicle

What's going on over here?

-I'd rather not say

How many guitars do you own? 

-1 acoustic guitar and it's missing a string.

What's the first song you learned to play on guitar?

-The House of the Rising Sun

First thing you do after you get an idea for a song?

-I rub one out

What is your songwriting process?

-A lot of crying and white wine

What song took the least time to write?

-'Fuck it' in E Flat

What song took you the longest to write?

-The Libretto to Hamilton ...I wrote that.

Is this the room where you keep awards?

-Does a CPR certificate count as awards?

Who is your favorite teacher?

Graig Uhlin at NYU who taught my first Warhol class. 

If you could teach one subject what would it be?

Sarcasm.

What's your favorite beverage?

Cold brew.

What's your favorite cocktail?

Anything single malt.

What's your favorite food?

Bacon.

What would you order at a drive through?

Starbucks just made a drive through near my house, so Starbucks

Best birthday cake you've ever had?

For my 28th birthday my friend got me a Strawberry Shortcake from Sweet Lady Jane in West Hollywood. They use fresh seasonal berries and make their own buttercream. It was ridiculous.

What was the last thing you baked?

Meth. 

What's one thing you need to have in your fridge at all times?

Grapes.

What is one thing you still have from childhood?

A creepy horror movie looking doll.

What is your favorite TV show of all time?

Arrested Development

What is your favorite show currently on air?

Halt and Catch Fire

What is your favorite movie?

Seriously?

What movie recently made you cry your eyes out?

The Theory of Everything

Why do you think you're the most followed person on Instagram? 

My Instagram account is actually a front for a brothel I run.

Have you ever Googled yourself?

Daily.

What do you think when you google yourself?

Google still hasn't learned how to spell my name.

If you had one superpower what would it be?

Mind reading.

If you were not a singer what would you be doing?

Polishing my Tony collection and doing a Scrooge McDuck dive into my giant room of money.

Cool or bizarre talent?

I can say it but you're not going to like it.

Whats something you can’t do?

There's nothing I can't do.

What is the best compliment you've ever received?

Is that Kirsten Dunst?

Whats the best gift you've ever received?

My mom got me a gold Tiffany's bean for my graduation...which I lost so when I finished grad school she got me a platinum one to teach me a lesson. 

One habit you wish to break?
Boys.

Do you have any nicknames?

My friend calls me Gigi because she thinks I look like Gigi Hadid, she's my favorite. 

What surprises you about people?

Celebrities are really short.

What makes you laugh?

Children on leashes.

What does creativity mean to you?

Tennessee Williams.

What's most adventurous thing you've ever done? 

My roommates and I did 5 sprints back and forth in Morningside Park at 2 am for exercise but I think we were drunk.

What are your favorite lyrics?

Shake your head girl, with your pony tail, takes me right back, when we were young. From 'If There is Something' by Roxy Music

One song you wish you'd written?
Killer Queen by Queen

Best fan moment?
I have haters not fans.

Whats your most memorable career moment?
Facilitating the opening night red carpet for Cinequest

What's one accomplishment you're proud of?
Graduating from Columbia University with honors.

What is one thing you want to try but are too scared to?
Snake blood.

What is your spirit animal?
George Clooney's pet pig.

Where should you take my wife?
A swingers bar.

Advice for singers?
Stop writing shit.

Do you have any pre-show rituals?
I plead the 5th.

Most difficult song to perform on stage?
I always think I'm going to kill Christina Aguilera on karaoke night and I'm always wrong.

How many cats are in this room?
I'm allergic. 

If you were a cat would you get along with your cats?
No.

How many cat breeds can you name in 10 seconds?
Sphynx, Main Coon, British Shorthair, Tabby, Scottish Fold, Germany.

What's the coolest thing in this room?
I have a bottle of 2010 Chateau Margaux.

What is one woman’s closet you'd raid?
Tilda Swinton

What's your favorite fashion trend?
Mod eye make-up

What do you have to have in your purse besides your phone and wallet?
Eye liner.

What are you wearing to this year's Met Gala?
Alexander McQueen

What did i want to do at age 5?
I wanted to be a Marine Biologist I think, which is a glorified way of saying I wanted to be a SeaWorld Trainer.

What do you wish you knew at 19?
Some people suck.

What is something you will not be doing in 10 years?
Babies.

What is the most important life lesson?
Get over it.

What can you say in another language?
My favorite Hebrew expression is 'Chaval al ha Zman' it means 'waste of time' you say it sarcastically when you had a good time.

What do you love most about the town you grew up in?
That the Nazi's tried to take it and we were too badass to give it up.

What is the bravest thing you've ever done?
Admitted I loved someone.

What's the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Drugs?

What is your one most important goal?

To have my play produced.

What is your favorite scented candle?
Bond #9 Sag Harbor.

Matter of Time...Always.

Speaks for itself.

Let's be real. Were any of us rooting for these two to settle down and make horrifically basic babies? Half country bumpkin, half awkward trust fund do-nothing? Too soon? Not really because we really did see it all coming. And if you didn't you're a liar. I've been of the opinion now for a while that Taytay dates solely for the purpose of material. And hey she's young, I mean by Southern standards, she's an old maid, but since when was she actually country? Those cowboy boots were more hipster than Nashville. 

Hey remember when this was 'texting'? Me neither, and definitely not you Taylor.

That lady needs some counseling, I mean we all do, but that's not always how you deal with grief, and boyfriend problems. And if you lead a real life (which she doesn't) are not real grief. Get on some Lexapro, take up pottery, and please stop air your period-blood soaked dirty laundry into all of our ears. It got old right around the John Mayer era. Look at bands like ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, Sonny and Cher for chrissake. Rumors (by Fleetwood Mac) was an album made by and for people cheating on each other. It's one of the greatest albums of all time, and 'Don't Stop' was President Bill Clinton's campaign song. Can you picture a Swift song being in a campaign? Didn't think so. 

One album. 11 songs. Perfect. Done and done.

You are far from writing about real heartache sister. Please give it a rest. You're not Billie Holiday, Etta James, or even Amy Winehouse. 'Back in Black' is towers above any garbage about the grab bag of celebrities that you've ever dated. And that's one song...against your entire career. Sorry love. And I hate to say this but it's what we're all thinking...Maybe it's not them, maybe it's you sugar plum. If you've had a bad break up with every single person you've dated maybe you're the problem. 

I will give you this one - you finally found a teensy bit of heart, and a really cool beat (which you sampled from an 80's synthesizer) in 'Out of the Woods' off of 1989 (I can't say that without gagging, excuse me). And it's a very beautiful song, reflecting on how we all as women have felt in our relationship, not just us in high school or even middle school. It wasn't 'why won't he call me back? This totally sucks, I can't even' which is basically the stripped down narrative to most of her music. it's written about a not-so -secret crush of mine Harry Styles (formerly of One Direction) Go ahead and judge, I reject your judgement. He, in turn, wrote 'Perfect' about her ...allegedly.

'And if you're looking for someone to write your break up songs about, baby I'm perfect' Nailed it. 

Please spare us a Calvin Harris record. Courtney Love even refused to do a 'widow record' after Kurt Cobain died, even though there was a lot of pressure from her label. So how about putting that laundry back in a dark closet and just generally keeping your mouth shut for a while. And I've seen your interviews. Don't tell me songs were 'sometimes too hard to write' like you're Dylan Thomas or somebody. You're a millenial who serial dates. There's about a billion of them. God help you if you ever get a Tinder account. Actually that might be unintentionally campy and amazing. Please do a Tinder date horror story record. I am begging you now. It will be way more interesting than the whiney basic stuff you've been shoving down our throats for over 6 years now.  

Below clips: 

Taylor at the height of her pretentiousness, totally ripped off Lana Del Rey's 'Born to Die'. 

Amy Winehouse explains the lyrics to the haunting 'Back to Black' produced by Mark Ronson. 

One Direction's performs 'Perfect' at the AMA's. Probably the only song about Taytay to throw some shade. Because most people just don't give a shit anymore.