Monday, September 21, 2015

Emmy's 2015 - Best and Worst Dressed

The Emmy's were a bit of a snoozefest in everything between the beginning and end. Some wonderful wins like Viola Davis, Uzo Aduba, and of course Jon Hamm made me ecstatic, and Andy Samberg was a pretty competent host...I guess. But let's get down to what really matters, the outfits. Most of them were horrid, just not going to lie and say it right now. A big trend this year was the Hillary Clinton pants suit, and I was surprised but I totally loved all of them from Lea Delaria to Jill Soloway. The Annie Hall look is back ya'll, nothing wrong with wearing pants on a red carpet and most ladies rocked it. Unfortunately, those in gowns totally went ape shit and made the red carpet into some kind of circus fiasco. Here's my brutal best and worst dressed list, back by popular demand. (By the way, let's just announce the winners and losers right now) Best Dressed: Lady Gaga, worst dressed: Heidi Klum. Phew, that felt good. Well here we go...let's start with best as not to scare you. 


Sofia Vergara in St. John's Knits. Seriously this woman could wear trash bags with actual trash in them and still be fabulous. I want to know who's blood she's drinking, this woman does not age or fray. God damn her. 
Ellie Kemper in Naeem Khan. She's adorable, her show's really sweet, and this dress would be totally problematic on most people but she carried it flawlessly, I wish her hair was down because it would have totally matched. 

Lea Delaria in I don't know. I am so in love with Lea. With this androgynous crushed velvet maroon suit, she looks so fabulous. Coupled with those trademark glasses of hers, she wins.
Emma Roberts in Jenny Packham. She's so young,  I don't know why she chose a gown that would usually be donned by someone twice her age. She kind of looks a bit Granny Chic in it, but with the long blonde hair and those doe-eyes, she makes it work on her teeny frame. 
Lady Gaga in Brandon Maxwell. I guess the days of Alexander McQueen and Philip Treacy are over. Gaga is an actress now and definitely brought a sense of Old Hollywood chic to the event. Less is more, and she nailed it. Definitely best dressed. She looks unbelievable.
Kerry Washington in Marc Jacobs. At first I hated this dress, but after tossing and turning all night I had a change of heart. It's a little, well weird. But Kerry carries it so well, I have to put her on the Best Dresed end. It's fashion forward, and very flattering. 
Jill Soloway in Bottega Veneta. Out of all of the pants suits, this has to be my favorite. It works brilliantly on her. I just love the whole, let's make every part of the outfit the same exact material and pattern. It's quirky, simple, and looks great on her. 
Jackie Cruz in Christian Siriano. The ladies from OITNB definitely know how to clean up for the red carpet...for the most part. No one this time was as stunning as Jackie Cruz in this plunging neckline high slit dress. It's so elegant, and something usually reserved for Sofia Vergara, but props to you Jackie, you actually beat her to the punch.
Allison Janney in again, I don't know. This is a ballsy dress for anyone much less a 55 year old. But my god what a stunning body on that woman. She's probably my second favorite of the night. The dress is almost a little too much and could look like something an AVN award winner would wear, but Janney is so elegant, she makes it a work of art. Congrats on the Emmy btdubs.
Laverne Cox in Calvin Klein. She slays basically every red carpet she walks on, and this really minimalist turquoise number reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence's Calvin Klein dress she wore to her first Oscar ceremony. That color looks amazing on her, and she's just stunning overall. 
Tatiana Maslani in Buchra Jarrar. This plunging neckline white pants suit is everything. It's so awesome. A girl like Tatiana who probably doesn't weigh more than 100 pounds can basically wear anything, and I'm so grateful she opted for the pants and not the gown. Slender and sophisticated, she shines on the red carpet. Also I love the white.
Samira Wiley in I DON'T KNOW! Samira always wears these kinds of minimalist gowns which she compensates for by wearing a really bright color. Hey the formula works. It reminds me of that Tom Ford white gown that Gwenyth wore...look it up. The one sleeve thing is so hot right now, especially when the other sleeve is a cape. 'This is the best costume for today' (look that up too). 
Sarah Hyland in Zac Posen. This is a young girl who basically styles herself like someone 10 years older than her. Her flair for fashion is very advanced, and she rarely looks problematic. She looks vibrant and elegant. She's got such a pretty face and figure, she doesn't need much to achieve props on the red carpet. 

Carrie Brownstein in Stella McCartney. Let's end with another pants suit. I would wear this every day, could I afford Stella McCartney. Accented by bright red lipstick and brilliant heels, this is so chic, and so beautiful on Carrie. Bravo!
And now, for the WORST. Be prepared. 

Jane Krakowski in Bibhu Mohaptra. Looks like it's Zac Posen but it's not. It totally washes her out and is a bit too tight. But that's not the main problem. It's boooooring. And the color blocking is way off. Also the mermaid dress went out about 3 years ago. 
Claire Danes in Prada. What the fuck is this dress honestly? The metal chains coupled with a shiny purple textile is the worst! Hashtag hated it. Probably the most flattering thing on her is her husband. 
Lena Headey in Zuhair Murad. I feel so sorry for this designer. On the runway, his gowns are the epitome of fashion forward and chic, but he always has to dress people like Kristen Stewart or Lena Headey for red carpets and they just don't do his clothes justice. It's an interesting gown, it just looks awful on her. She looks awful put it that way. 
Taylor Schilling in Stella McCartney. Mustard yellow is never a good choice ok? This flowy ruffled backless...thing looks like it was made up from scraps left over from the Gone With the Wind wardrobe department. Epic fail. 
Christina Hendricks in I can't find it! But c'mon whomever it was probably went into witness protection after this. This is a laughable dress. And not to be a bitch here (too late) when you're curvy, don't wear something that accentuates that. She looks like the Chrysler Building. 
Regina King in again, no clue. But seriously? Did she miss prom night? I love Regina King, but the dress is awful. It's not chic, it's not flattering, it's homey and it's ridiculous. The beading is all wrong, and why is the length off? If it was just a white, sleeveless dress that was two inches longer it might have worked, but it's not. It's blah.
Julianne Hough in S&M chic. I thought she looked pretty, but the dress is really slutty I'm sorry. No I'm not. The top of it looks like it belongs in an early 90's Madonna video and the bottom is all wrong. It's two different dresses sloppily meshed into one, and she looks like she's going to an Eyes Wide Shut party, not walking the red carpet at the Emmy's. 
Taryn Manning in Rubin Singer. She looks like she's going to an Addam's Family theme party for Halloween. She's gorgeous in real life, but the cape thing that worked so well for Samira looks terrifying on her. And are those shoulder pads? For the love of god!
Zoe Kazan in Miu Miu. Again, this was one that I had a change of heart about. It's playful, I love the textile pattern, but it's not right for her. It would look great on someone like Nicole Kidman or Naomi Watts, but on her, it looks out of place and mismatched. She is not nearly sophisticated enough for this dress. 
Amy Poehler in Michael Kors. I'm so sorry Amy, I adore you and you totally should have won, but this dress looks like you made it yourself. Your whole look seems like you've given up, which you kind of have considering you've lost every time, but you can still rock it on the red carpet. I remember the Golden Globes. Pull yourself together woman!
Chelsea Peretti in Gabriela Cadena. Oh god, where do I start? Again, this dress is suffering from multiple personality disorder. It's hideous. I don't care if it looks great walking down the runway on a 5'10 model, it's a hot mess. Hate it hate it hate it. Can't erase it from my memory. #neveragain.
Gwendolyn Christie in blah. Nice try at being Emma Roberts. The retro 20's hair, and the paler beyond pale skin is all wrong. This DVF wrap-dress looking fiasco looks more like a high end hotel room bath robe. 
Stephen Merchant's girlfriend in whatever the fuck she's wearing has to be mentioned. This looks like sleazy lingerie you buy for your boyfriend because he has no taste, not something you put on to walk a red carpet. Jesus christ, cover up at least SOMETHING. Also, you're not an abstract expressionist painting just so we're clear. 
Amanda Peet in (again) Michael Kors. I totally don't get the whole almost bare midriff look. Kristen Wiig did it two years ago with J. Mendel and that worked, but this year, it's hideous. Peet is very chic regardless, and chose a simple updo and barely there jewelry to compliment this, but again the dress is wearing her no the other way around. 
Heidi Klum in Versace. Someone gauge my eyes out right the fuck now. This is a crime against humanity. As I said, yellow rarely works, and even when it's Versace it's easy to look like the inside of a blender after a banana smoothie. Heidi, we know you're a model, so you know everything about fashion so please stop experimenting. It's NOT WORKING!
Naomi Grossman in couldn't find the designer. I think he shot himself. I love AHS, I love Naomi. But whyyyyyyyyyy. This is not appropriate, it is not flattering. It's the 80's meets Jackson Pollock through the mentally insane filter. This dress is horrible in every way I don't even know where to start. Never do this again Naomi. 
Sarah Paulson in Prabal Gurung. It physically hurts me to put more than one AHS star on the Worst Dressed List but they totally sucked this year. Sarah is a beautiful woman, but this dress is so boring I want to cry. It looks like a reject from Betty Draper's wardrobe. It's trying to be retro but it's not, it's just well....nothing. The blue sequins thing is so tired, and I'm hating the off the shoulder BS. knock it off. 

Ok now blogger is being a little bitch and not letting me download anymore, but that's fine, I can't do this much longer. Just to bookend it. Some other people that totally disappointed last night were Anna Chlumsky, Porsha Williams, Lauren Lapkus and Nazanin Bonaidi, but you can google those can't you? Honorable mention for Best Dressed goes to Julie Bowen and Julia Louise Dreyfus. They both wore plain black dresses which would look good on anyone so only worth mentioning in the post script. 

And there you have it. Basically it was like no one even tried this year. I know it's not the Oscars, but c'mon. Stop wearing 'right off the runway' and figure out what looks good on you. And when in doubt, Valentino it. 

No comments: