Thursday, August 15, 2013

A Reality Show About Red Necks? How Fucking Fascinating.

As all of you pathetic shit-eating couch potatoes know, tonight A&E will premiere it's 4th (yes 4th) season of Duck Dynasty like it hasn't completely bled it's audience dry with garbage programming for 5 years and counting. Television is making a statement folks, and the statement is this; we know you're tired of seeing shows about people richer and more powerful than you (thanks for nothing Bravo network) especially during a fucking recession, so we're going to appeal to the dumb-it-down average nascar enthusiast who has nothing better to do with his time demographic and give you shows about people that clearly had parents that were related to each other.
So before when your inner monologue as the viewer was 'god I wish I had that life' while watching any Real Housewives franchise, it can now be 'god I'm glad I'm at least in better shape than these fools' while watching any show to do with red necks, which happens to be the 'it' factor of reality TV right about now with shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Sister Wives, and the ever present Duck Dynasty. Now most of these shows get reamed up the ass with criticism on how they exploit (holy shit, reality TV exploits things!?) poor and stupid fame whores for profit to a sadistic audience, but surprisingly enough, Duck Dynasty gets nothing but praise for it's 'wholesome' and 'family-oriented' atmosphere. Puuuuuhleeeaaaase. 
Looks like methed-out Santa
Here's the premise for the show just for those last 5 people on this planet with self respect that just cruise right by that when it airs. It's a family of redneck brothers, wives, fathers, and crazy uncles and they made millions (apparently) off designing duck calls. For the lamen, a duck call is a kazoo-type instrument used to simulate the sound of a duck so as to lure actual ducks into the path of a giant gun in order to shoot it for sport. Don't that sound appealing as fuck, rootin' tootin' bootin' flootin'...whatever. 
And basically there's a lot of hi jinx which I'm sorry has to take the reality out of 'reality TV' because no actual person would be in contrived situations that involve some kind of problem solving tactics and hilarity ensues when no one can cooperate properly. That's basically the premise of every episode. It's like Saved by the Bell with rednecks.
I mean can we all just admit the ugly truth here? This programming is completely backwards...basically just like most of the south is and always will be. Family values? Are you fucking kidding me? I remember an episode where the grandpappy had to teach is grandson about the birds and the bees using crawfish. Now I know this is the boondocks of Louisiana but don't they have sex-ed in their one-room classrooms? Or at least show him how to put a condom on a goddamn banana. Also, it's just so chalk full of mysoginy it's sickening as a woman to digest. It's like someone rammed a turkey baster of testosterone down my throat and I'm choking on it. You get the picture I'm painting here? All the women look like they just stepped out of a Ms. Purtiest Louisiana pageant only 20 years too late, and do little but complain and shop, oh and that other thing that it's implied women do well...cook. How forward-thinking of you. Even though the show claims that husband and wife duck-team are 50-50 and everything is even between those two we all know who wears the ill fitting camouflage pants in the family, and that's another thing; why the fuck are they always in camouflage? Is there a war they're being sent off to later (wishful thinking), I mean, you're hunting ducks. Seriously? They could probably tell you're there if you were dressed in the brightest colors that would make any drag queen jealous. Stop pretending that what you do matters or that anyone gives a shit. 
Also, am I the only one of a different religion that gets the indoctrination message of this damn show? Oh only good Christians make millions off the dumbest ideas ever and only have little things to worry about and no real problems. Us filthy Jews gotta keep on truckin'. 
Everyone say 'fame whore!'
Which brings me to the center of this shrubbery maze. Nothing interesting happens on the show, it's scenarios like 'oh my shirt is dirty' 'oh my daughter uses her phone too much' and 'oh no one wants to help me with this absurd idea I just pulled out of my ass'. I cannot believe that many people are wasting their time on this, it's not even remotely funny and the characters get old damn fast. It's like when Cher refers to Amber as a Monet painting in Clueless (1995); 'it's like the painting see, from afar it's ok but up close it's just a big old mess', just imagine being in close proximity to those people, if the smell doesn't get to you, that old-timey borderline ridiculous, inarticulate Southern country fried wisdom will. I don't know how many seasons this show has left in its cannon but I'm seriously praying (to my Jewish god) that it's not much more. A&E, it's time to regain your dignity and stop digging yourself into a giant sticky quicksand hole...literally.

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