Golden Palmes and Perverts (Cannes 2013)

Last year I wrote about Cannes, I called it Who Will Win the Palme d'Fuck at Cannes this Year? And I thought the prize would be between two of the most non-sexy films in competition that year, Cosmopolis (2012) and On the Road (2012) both featuring Twilight darlings; Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Let’s do this again shall we? With more insight, but aside from the actual awards that mean something, to the French anyway, let’s talk about who’s got the sexiest film at the sexiest film festival this side of an unapologetically obsessed-with-sex country.

Still from Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

Now listen because I’m only going to say this once; BAZ LUHRMANN DOES NOT MAKE SEXY FILMS. For the love of god, if anyone made anything more unsexy he would have cast real life cousins in it. For all of the smoke and mirrors he employs to try to tell stories of love and yearning, lust and tits, I feel nothing below the waste watching his glitzy shitshows. And The Great Gatsby is already feeling like the biggest bastardization of F. Scott Fitzgerald, but above all completely unsexy and unsatisfying. Like that one bad one-night-stand that your friends still don’t let you get over. 

Promo still from Gatsby (vulgar, NOT sexy)

Although I’m excited for films like Soderbergh’s Behind the Candelabra (2013), Alexander Payne’s Nebraska (2013) and Polanski’s LA VÉNUS À LA FOURRURE (2013), I think the two films that will battle it out are going to be sensualist extraordinaire François Ozon’s Jeune et Jolie (2013), and Ethan and Joel Coen’s ode to folk music; Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) starring foreign hotter-than-hot tall, dark, and handsome man slice of heaven Oscar Isaac, co-starring perhaps the most interesting bright young things right now; Justin Timberlake, Garrett Hedlund, and Carey Mulligan. The film also looks pretty dang interesting and wildly sexual considering it takes place during the Beat era where basically anything goes. 

Ozon. Handsome to boot.

But I’m going to give the edge to Ozon.  Not only because he’s a personal favorite of mine, but his films are so incredibly sensual, so detailed in their steaminess, it’s hard to beat when we’re thinking about contemporary sex culture. Also, he’s fucking French. So basically, there ya go.

Still from Juene et Jolie (2013)

 I feel like I’m watching the best high-class porn every time I turn on an Ozon film, because he understands very importantly I might add, that what is NOT SHOWN is more enticing than WHAT IS. This is what make his films such a hallmark of sexuality in cinema, so I’m going to say that though Juene at Jolie (2013) probably won’t win the Palme d’Or, It wins the Palme d’Fuck in my book.

Trailer for Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

French teaser for Juene et Jolie (2013) 

Trailer for another new Ozon film In the House (2013)