Thursday, July 26, 2012

New Reasons to Hate Kristen Stewart? Thank You, World!

I can't decide whether to refer to Kristen Stewart as a 'ho' or a 'slut' so I'll just refer to her as a ho-slut.
It finally happened folks. It's everything I've hoped it would be. My house could be on fire and I'd still have a smile on my face because Kristen Stewart beloved skinny bitch of tweens everywhere has done the unspeakable. She put a penis in her mouth that was NOT Robert Pattinson's. I hope she's aware that hell hath no fury like a 12 year-old team Edward Twi-hard. And shit is about to hit some serious fan. She was already pretty seriously loathed by the 12-13 suburbanite delusional girl with brain problems (which is apparently a huge demographic) and also by the likes of me, people in their 20's with lives and responsibilities who still find time in our schedule to feel unbridled hate for her, the reasons of which we are still unsure of.
At this point I'm wondering why people let her outside or let her speak. She's very awkward and says things like 'being a celebrity is like being raped' and then cheats on the #1 masturbation fodder of tweens all over the country, I mean how much more can this girl fuck up? Not only is this a cheating fiasco, Rupert Sanders, her mistress is married with kids, oh and by the by he's about 20 years older than her. I guess it must be her irresistible pasty-ass skin, adorable mumbling, ridiculous fashion sense and overall standoffishness, not to mention those remarkably sexy A-cups. How could any man say 'no'. She also mentioned that her favorite movie of all time is American Beauty (1999) so cleeeeeeeeearly, she's got a good head on those broad shoulders.
The new happy couple; Kristen in an ill-fitting man's suit and married with kids director Rupert Sanders. I don't know about you, but I don't see this working out.  
Basically, bitch needs to close her legs to married men, as soothsayer and master of everything Real Housewife of Atlanta NeNe Leaks would say. Now, let's move on to the real trag-fest of this whole situation; the love-life of Robert Pattinson. I'm sure it couldn't have been too pleasant shoving his vampire dick into a dark and morose cave where bats live, but I have no doubt he'll recover pretty quickly, like there's any shortage of awkwardly adorable early 20-somethings with nipples that look like zits that would me more than willing to take K-Stew's place in Robert Pattinson's Crate and Barrell customized bed. If you are a 90 pound brunette with a general disdain for humanity, step right up and let's start a who's next to date Robert Pattinson sweepstakes. I've compiled a short list. Consider me the Patti Stanger of hipster couples. Sarah Hyland, she's perky and she's age-appropriate. She's also funny at times. Not too smart, but hey neither was your last girlfriend. Noomi Rapace, she's older, but she's also really cool (which I know is important to Robert Pattinson) and she's got an accent. I think Elizabeth Moss is available but she's nowhere near hot enough for you. How about date someone else British and go for Rose Byrne, that's always a safe bet. She has manners, grace, a beautiful rack and she's hotter than fuck. So I think that might be a perfect option for you.
The old happy couple, hot, annoying, and united in their not-caring about anything.
Stewart issued perhaps the least articulate apology I've ever heard that people actually called 'sincere' but to me it sounds like something you hand write in pink pen and put hearts and smiley-faces all over before you pass it on to your crush in middle school. It went like this -
 'This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.'
Kinda short no? I'm not buying it, and Rob if you're listening, don't buy it either. I think if anything, this is going to escalate ratings for the last installment of Breaking Dawn Part II (2012) because everyone (including myself) will be going to watch the unbridled sexual tension and mutual violent hatred the two principals will be feeling for each other and whether they are able to hide it well enough during their already awkward love scenes, maybe it will make them better and you 

Below Breaking Dawn Part II trailer. Who's getting pre-sale tickets? I am!

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