Monday, May 14, 2012

John Travolta's Gay? Surely You Jest.

'Oops, was that your junk? I thought it was a fancy cheese mold you had made specially for me to devour whilst I enjoy this lovely massage'
Are any of us surprised that John-Saturday Night Fever-Travolta who wears a penis cup in almost every single movie he appears in even when the plot doesn't call for it like in Battlefield Earth (1998) is caught up in a gay scandal? Here's what has people all up in arms though, is not that Travolta allegedly molested another human being, but that it was a man, and (gasp!) the guy from Hairspray (2007) who plays the mom might actually be gay despite the literal decades of rumors towards that exact same conclusion. 
I'm going to pull a Perez Hilton (my personal hero) really quick on ya'll and out an actor before he decides to do so himself. Go ahead and type in 'John Travolta' into your Google search. By the time you hit 'v' it will suggest 'John Travolta gay', that is apparently the most popular google search for the slightly off-putting thespian (no pun intended) who preaches scientology, makes awful film choices, and flies Oprah's audiences around the world. 
And I'm sorry but when more than 2 people accuse you of the same crime, you're probably guilty. So Travolta needs to stop pulling a Kevin Spacey and just announce it to the world, that might actually distract from the fact that people are suing him for harassment. It's called 'pulling a Governor Jim McGreevey'. 
If there was a Gay olympics, this would be the trophy the winners receive. 
Considering most of Travolta's film roles have become in and of themselves icons of gay culture, I think it's only natural that he stop denying the obvious. We all saw Stayin' Alive (1983)...oh you didn't? Well I did, and no straight man can dance that well. 
Also, do we even remember John Travolta from the 70's? That man was so gay on celluloid he put Sean Hayes to shame. I think that it's definitely time for him to come out of the closet and pretending he's having wild furious scientology-type sex with mega-hot chick and former George Clooney paramour Kelly Preston. According to pop-culture recently, it actually helps your career if you come out of the closet, get's you the cover of People Magazine (am I right Lance Bass?), however, I don't think this would be the same kind of situation considering three people are accusing you of  sexual assault. That will never be cool. But neither will being a Scientologist. 
I would say at this point, Travolta coming out of the closet is up to par with Rosie O'Donnell coming out of the closet. Really? You don't say. I had absolutely, abso-lutely no inclination towards that notion ever in my life. Surely, you jest. 

Is it just me or is Travolta the more graceful one in this number? and...Jazz hands!

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