Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's a Boy For Snooki....And We're All Forced to Imagine Her Lady Parts

I just can't, the jokes are just welling up in my mind until it drips cranial fluid through my ears, and everything is going dark. But yes, as In Touch, who has always been at the vanguard of entertainment reporting  broke 3 days ago, Snooki is indeed pregnant not with a drunk, sunburnt, greasy, and brain-damaged minion of the anti-christ but a completely human male. 
By the time Snooki delivers though it will be just right around that time that the Mayan calendar predicts the world will end, so maybe this is all just part of the ploy, I'm not sure. But another thing that is giving me an aneurism is wondering just what the fuckballs will it look like. Sorry him, not it...have to remember that from now on. 
But hey, Francis Bean Cobain ended up relatively normal and sans any lasting problems except for the inherited addiction to opiates, anger problems, and bipolar disorder, so good luck to her in the future. What most of us are actually thinking, aside from how easy it is going to be for this baby to walk right out of Snooki's labyrinthine venus fly-trap of a vagina, is how in holy hell is this kid ever going to have a normal life. 
But perhaps we're under-estimating her and her mothering skills will be slightly above Joan Crawford's. Perhaps she won't spray tan him right away, and give time for his milk teeth to come in before giving him his first shot of Jose Cuervo. All I can picture is just how loud it must be for that boy inside a velvetty cocoon of insullary noise. I wonder if that's the most gross thing I've said so far...probably not. But if you haven't started bleeding from the eyes just yet, keep reading. Don't worry it get's worse. 
But don't blame me, the idea of having to look down the barrel of Snooki's vagina and deliver her child is something every OBGYN dreads with the shudder of a thousand goosebumps, probably enough to give up their practice if it came down to it. I can only imagine it's something reminiscent of the film Alien (1979) and I'll let you figure out which scene I'm referring to. 
But think of it this way, Snooki's prenatal team: this is a service to science that you're doing, and your names will always be remembered, at least in the Twitter-verse. So let's just all brace ourselves and say a silent prayer like we've been since we found out this momentous house-upside-down news that Snooki is not much...during her pregnancy. But I have a sneaking suspicion that when Jionni-Mario-Paulo-Guisseppe-Joey-Fettucini-Canoli starts to crown, the head doctor in charge will turn his head ask 'ok, who's smoking in here!?'

Here are some clips of the wonder that is Snooki. Start feeling genuinely sorry for this kid, especially when he reaches cognitive consciousness. 

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