Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My Titanic 3-D Wish List

Being able to have one of the ship's gargantuan propellers feel like it's falling right on your head, sure...that's fun. But I really hope (against hope) that our favorite village idiot James Cameron gives us more uuumf in the already awkwardly orchestrated anachronistic romance scenes aboard the Titanic.

1. I would love to see naked Kate Winslet (when she as 21) in 3-D. Make it happen Cameron.

2. When Leo's arm is pressed up against the glass (and it looks like a 13 year old girl's arm) I want it to be close enough for me to almost smell the sex sweat.

3. The corset tightening scenes could always do with a little 3-D.

4. Cal (Billy Zane) is pretty hot. I'd like to see more of him smoking disdainfully but right into my face.

5. Kate Winslet's boobs seem to always be heaving, as if they're trying to run away from her body because they know it's doomed. Explore those themes in 3-D.

6. The Titanic is a giant metaphor for a penis going flaccid after orgasm. In 3-D I want this to be more evident.

 7. Is there anyway to make Leonardo DiCaprio taller than Kate Winslet in 3-D? Because that always bothered me in the original.

8. Please make that last kiss before inevitable death more romantic and less creepy between the two main characters. Here's hoping you cut it out completely.

9. Leo's hair needs to be more flowy and carefree in 3-D.

10. Dear James Cameron: please direct a 3-D porn version starring James Deen and Tori Black. Sincerely, Vera Ryzhik

That's all I have for now. I'll think up more whilst I'm watching it I'm sure.

Below is the trailer:

AND BELOW: One of the best Titanic parodies that exists by my favorite comedy duo French & Saunders. The fully version is available on the youtubes. Enjoy!

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