Friday, March 2, 2012

Let's List All the Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan is 'Right' for Elizabeth Taylor

Are you kidding me Hollywood? It's the proverbial WTF heard 'round the world. Did you really think it would be a alright to sell the idea of coked-up rotted-toothed, party-slut Lindsay Lohan, the semi-annoying child actress of yesteryear and current walking train wreck as portraying the greatest silver screen icon that ever existed? I'm starting to think that the execs at Lifetime were waiting for the latter to kick the bucket so that she wouldn't be able to sue them when they held a picture of Lindsay in front of her and said; 'That's you'. 
Clearly, this is one giant publicity stunt, and good thing it's for television, because I don't think the cinema would stand for such nonsense. They'd hire someone like Lily Collins or Ashley Rickards. Remember, Elizabeth was about 17 when she was cast in her first major adult film role, and Lindsay looks no younger than 42 these days. But it's not like we're such a classy society that we can't at least be a little bit titillated by the idea of total trash playing such a beloved figure. 

Anyone remember this? Lindsay posed as Marilyn Monroe imitating her famed last photo shoot back in 2006. I honestly do not see any redemption in Hollywood's constant attempt to try to compare her to the sexual icons of the golden age of cinema. You can see how big of a fail this endeavor is.

I don't know who's slated for Richard Burton in this aptly and redundantly titled Liz & Dick bio-pic in the works right now, but considering their choices so far, I'm thinking Chad Michael Murray or Shane West. It's destined to be a frivolous farce for teenagers, as part of LiLo's contractually obliged big comeback. Think of it; it wreaks of disaster, but I might just be there to roast marshmallows from the flames coming out of Lindsay's ass as she's torn to pieces by outraged intellectuals and film buffs.
Ok I got a bit carried away. There are so many reasons why Lindsay is wrong for this project OBVIOUSLY. Also, Snooki is tan, and fish swim in the sea. But what if we did a complete reversal and talked about the ways in which she's right for it? Just for fun? I mean, no one is honestly taking this film seriously, Lifetime is a network that loves to milk shmaltz, melodrama, and camp (or what's left of it) so why not hold our heads high and consider the following? 

1. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor, started out as an adorable child actress and only when she started 'developing' was she cast in more mature roles. 

2. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor, has a shit balls crazy and determined stage mother, who uses her daughter to put herself in the ever so unflattering spotlight. 

3. Lindsay Lohan, like Elizabeth Taylor was naturally blessed with a huge there's that. 

4. Lindsay Lohan used to hang out with Paris Hilton. Elizabeth Taylor married to Conrad Hilton Jr. Paris' uncle. Are you surprised I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel here?

5. Both have done multiple extensive and lengthy stints in rehab.

6. Elizabeth Taylor died at 79. Lindsay looks 79. At this point the only person LiLo is an appropriate choice to play is Leona Helmsley.

Ok, I'm out. That was painful. All I'm wondering is what is going on inside Lindsay's head right now, aside from barbiturates. Is she hitting the books reading 'Furious Love' and 'The Queen and I'? Is she watching A Place in the Sun and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? Is she buying violet contacts and consulting with her plastic surgeon regarding a boob lift? I really hope so.
But don't let's all start getting our hopes up, the only point of the upcoming project is to see just how badly she tanks. It's a gimmick. But unfortunately, it's done at the expense of Elizabeth Taylor and that's just not cool. For a woman who gave you basically her lifeblood for over the last 50 years, this is how you choose to honor her legacy? For shame.

No comments: