Monday, July 18, 2011


Tonight's episode of Master Chef (2009 - ) features an elimination challenge which involved cooking with an aphrodisiac ingredient, hence combining my two favorite things: food and sex. I don't even want to get into which i've dealt without for longer. Anyway, the winner of the 'quick fire' Jennifer, a perky cute 30's something blonde with a huge rack and peppy personality was given a choice from three ingredients said to  have scientific properties of sexual arousal when ingested. I'm sure by now you've surmised that one of the options was oysters, which I'm sorry to say I detest. This does not mean i don't have a sophisticated palate, it just means I don't enjoy eating giant wads of snot. No offense to anyone who loves them, but I'd rather go for a more conventional approach to arousal than making incessant sucking noises as the slimy gooey texture of the oyster slid down my throat, did I paint a gross enough picture for you yet? The next one was a complete shocker: artichokes. A very metaphoric food for sex in retrospect considering how much you have to work at the damn thing to get rid of all the intolerable bad shit to get to the 'heart' of it. I'm a huge artichoke kind of girl but can't recall one time when i've finished a soup or salad with an artichoke base and immediately felt the urge to pummel the man next to me in a fit of sexual excitement. Take me waiter at chili's! that spinach artichoke dip makes me just want to rip off all that 'flair' from your suspenders and drag you to the back seat of your 1997 Chevy Impala that smells like old gym socks and beef jerky. 
But next time I'm on a date and the guy has impressed me enough to make me want to cook for him (which is a feat accomplished by very few as of late) i'm putting artichoke into the whole meal, drugging him with subconscious bursts of desire with every bite. 
The third ingredient that Jennifer actually ended up choosing for the whole rest of the competitors is another easy conclusion. The 500$ a pop turd looking thing that pigs burrow in the ground for hours because only their sophisticated snouts can pin point this diamond in the rough (and no, none of that was intended to be sarcastic), the truffle. 
I have many soft spots for truffles, and i'm sure at least some of them are in my erogenous zones. Truffles look horrific but once are placed on the palate of one's tongue ignite pleasure that is too good to be only measured with one sense, and perhaps that is why it is regarded as one of the most potent means of sexual stimulation...orally that is. 
Now, the challenge was not only to create an appetizing dish using an ingredient that most of these competitors have ever seen much less tasted. A lot of people made the mistake of cooking a filet mignon in truffle essence not realizing that actually truffles don't go with much, but definitely not with meat. 
A burly generation Italian home-cook named Guiseppe created a taglioni dish with truffle cream sauce and spinach, and immediately made my mouth water. He book ended his presentation by saying his wife (who he loves very much still) his words...was the inspiration. The judges loved it, moving on. 
Nothing rather than that is really worth mentioning, and for some reason the men seemed to triumph over the women in this round because it seemed they had an easier time finding a good romantic memory to use for inspiration, while the chicks were all snarkily looking at their ingredients trying to recall a rare moment when they weren't being royally screwed over. Food is to me always sexy, I know this sounds cliche but i really do eat with my eyes first, then my mouth, and just like attraction to someone else if the food doesn't appear appealing, what it can offer you becomes secondary to how it looks, even if it tastes divine. 
So my course of plan is to stick to my diet coke/barley and the missed connections tab on craigslist because even though i don't take it seriously, i still find it hilarious. And for all of you happy people out there, i wish you many oyster filled romps with your significant other (preferably when the oysters have been cleaned, shucked, and sprinkled with lemon juice). Bon Appetit!

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